GREETINGS AND WELCOME TO ALL SISTERS-OF-SIZE !IT'S TIME WE CREATIVE LADIES OF SUBSTANCE DIVE INTO THE WARM, DELICIOUS VAT OF CHOCOLATE CALLED LIFE !
(Please shower first.)
IT'S TIME WE FULL-FIGURED LADIES DANCE OUR DREAMS !
(Anything but "The Macarena.")
IT'S TIME WE ABUNDANT LADIES CONSUMMATE OUR HOT, STEAMY LOVE-AFFAIR WITH LIFE !
(And you don't have to shave your legs.)
WE ACCEPT YOU ! WE NEED YOU ! WE ARE YOU !
Here's where we'll laugh, share, create and support each other with the freedom and joy of WILD abandon. No competitiveness, no judging and no "poor me, I'm fat and miserable." Don't wait for others to grant you acceptance. Accept Your Self! Celebrate Your Self! Express Your Self! And we'll do it right along with you! Consider this BLOG your new home or at least your weekend getaway!!!
(Please shower first.)
IT'S TIME WE FULL-FIGURED LADIES DANCE OUR DREAMS !
(Anything but "The Macarena.")
IT'S TIME WE ABUNDANT LADIES CONSUMMATE OUR HOT, STEAMY LOVE-AFFAIR WITH LIFE !
(And you don't have to shave your legs.)
WE ACCEPT YOU ! WE NEED YOU ! WE ARE YOU !
Here's where we'll laugh, share, create and support each other with the freedom and joy of WILD abandon. No competitiveness, no judging and no "poor me, I'm fat and miserable." Don't wait for others to grant you acceptance. Accept Your Self! Celebrate Your Self! Express Your Self! And we'll do it right along with you! Consider this BLOG your new home or at least your weekend getaway!!!
(Hope I don't run out of exclamation marks!)
I dedicate the enthusiastic launching of this Fat Lady Fiction Blog to each and every one of you wonderful, robust ladies! Fat Lady Fiction is really a catch-all name and intended to be UNLIMITED in scope. It's our very own evolving sisterhood where the possibilities are endless. The content will be by, about and for we fat ladies. Our skinny-loving culture may try to demean us, but who needs them? We have each other!
Here is where we'll appreciate and energize any and all creative endeavors by our collective, well-rounded sisterhood. No matter what your inclination(s)--writing, painting, creating poetry, drawing, illustrating, designing, decorating, cooking, baking, digesting, cartooning, gardening, practical joking, sculpting, crafting, sewing, dancing, or whatever, come sashay into our comfortable, online studio. Just NO weight-loss or diet stuff! That content is available on...oh, let's just say...14-TRILLION other places!
(By the way, please help yourself to the donuts, coffee and even vegetables over there on the side table.)
(Warning! The following paragraph sounds a bit like a cheesy advertisement, even though I'm being very sincere. Nevertheless, proceed with caution.)
Are you sick and tired of being valued as nothing more than a prospective consumer (sucker) for weight-loss crap? I know I am. Has not being a size 6 held you back from your dreams or realizing your full potential? For that matter, has anything or anyone (including yourself) prevented you from pursuing what fills your heart?
Think back for a moment. How many years ago, on a dark shelf in the back closet of your soul, did you store away your inner-most hopes? Well, dig 'em out, blow off the dust and finally give yourself permission to indulge in the most thrilling journey of your life -
Think back for a moment. How many years ago, on a dark shelf in the back closet of your soul, did you store away your inner-most hopes? Well, dig 'em out, blow off the dust and finally give yourself permission to indulge in the most thrilling journey of your life -
the adventure of reclaiming YOU!
(End of Cheesy-ness)
State a wish, set a goal or dream a dream and share it here to receive unconditional support, tips, advice, information or anything you need to help accomplish your desire. Think in terms of not just pushing the envelope but ripping it open, tearing it into little stars and throwing the confetti high into the air to celebrate you!
(See my poem above - written in honor of just that! )
So hop on our Fat-Lady train where the dining car is always open. Let's have fun exploring and releasing our beautiful, wild hearts and spirits together. We'll have contests (with prizes) as well as other cheerful challenges to offer creative, unique springboards into that vat of chocolate above.
To set the HUMOROUS tone and get this Blog rolling (Blog is such a funny word, sounds like someone a caveman would report to), I thought it would be fun to create a
Fantasy Interview
where I am an accomplished, renowned author - my dream.
The fictitious magazine is AMAZING FULL-FIGURED WOMEN! I have to tell you it was so fun coming up with answers to my own questions! Try it. It's not only a novel way for us to get to know you, but you may even learn a little about yourself.
I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO READ YOURS!
Okay, Here’s My Fantasy Interview !
(heehee)
* * *
AMAZING, FULL-FIGURED WOMEN MAGAZINE IS PROUD TO PRESENT OUR MUCH ANTICIPATED INTERVIEW WITH THIS CENTURY'S MOST SUCCESSFUL WRITER OF FICTION, LITERARY ICON, LINDA SMITH-McCORMICK:
AFFWM: First of all, Ms. Smith-McCormick, I want express our magazine’s profound gratitude for taking the time from your busy life to talk with us today. The entire editorial staff of AFFWM is dying with envy because I was given the honor of interviewing you.
LSM: It's my pleasure. And please just call me Linda.
AFFWM: Oh, wow! Really? Thank you, Linda!
LSM: You're welcome. And please relax - you seem so nervous. I'm just a person like you. It's not like you're interviewing a Divine Goddess, although many have called me that. (laughing)
AFFWM: I know I have! Needless to say you're in constant demand, and your millions upon millions of readers have been waiting for this exclusive interview. In addition, we've been overwhelmed by aspiring, as well as professional authors, requesting, nay, clamoring to learn the secrets of your magnificent success. So for them, I say thank you, thank you, thank you!
LSM: Well, if you think about it, how could I, in good conscience, enjoy my fame, elevated status and seemingly infinite opulence without at least offering hope to all the lesser talents? And I honestly mean that - I'm not trying to sound magnanimous here.
AFFWM: May I say that I've interviewed many celebrities, Linda, but you're the only one I've ever perceived as being sincerely humble.
LSM: Well, thank you, um...I'm sorry, what was your name again?
AFFWM: Catherine.
LSM: Yes, of course. Sorry, Catherine.
AFFWM: Believe me, no problem. It's an honor just to hear you say my name.
LSM: Well, what would you like to ask me, my dear.
AFFWM: We all know that authors have different styles of working. Some prefer to first prepare by outlining their novel, whereas others just tackle the blank page. Are you, Linda, an outliner or a blank-pager?
LMS: Actually I don't fit into either category. I guess you could say I'm more of a rambler.
AFFWM: A rambler?
LMS: Yes, a rambler. But not the car! (laughing)
AFFWM: Could you explain that for those of us unfamiliar with the rambler technique?
LMS: Be more than happy to, Caroline. It's really quite simple. I start off by just sitting at my computer, after I've turned it on of course, and I begin to write. And I just keep on writing and writing and writing and writing. After I've written a while, I go back and begin deleting and deleting and deleting and deleting. Then, and here's the real secret, I start un-doing my last actions (usually the control-Z way) until it just feels good to stop. For the next step, I go back and read over what I've written and then usually re-do my last few un-do's (control-X). I may be over-simplifying this, but what's crucial at this stage is I have to be absolutely satisfied with what I generally have not yet written, which tells me I'm on the right track. But I'm sure most writers already do this. Then I go back, of course, and remove all the then's. Then I make myself a cup of herb tea (Mango Magic is my favorite) sweetened with clover honey, followed by a sprinkle of cinnamon because I hardly ever bake (I have people who do that for me). There's just something about a hot cup of herb tea to drink (don't forget to steep it for five minutes - I have no idea why) because somehow it just seems so writerly - not that I think writerly is a real word, but so often it seems like I have to use the same tired words over and over and I just wish we could sometimes fabricate words on the spot if they sound right. For example, "She decided to decline the invitation due to her recurring parflang." Or "All evening Carmen had noticed Mitchell's manib and began to worry that he had forgotten his vow of sclamthood." See what I mean? You can almost understand the meaning of the words. It just goes to show you the importance of context. In a word, it’s grankular! (laughing) Oh, dear. I've forgotten the question.
AFFWM: Oh, I think you answered it beautifully. This rambling system obviously works very well for you. Did you always write this way?
LMS: Honestly no. When I first started out, years ago, there were no computers. All I had was the cave wall. (laughing) Seriously, I used to fret and struggle over each word. It drove me nuts. I had to borrow my neighbor’s old typewriter and the clacking alone damaged my hearing. And if I had to change the ribbon, I inevitably placed it on the spool backward and ended up with ink all over me.
AFFWM: Ribbon?
LSM: Anyway, now I’ve become much more prolific thanks to technology. In fact, the truth is, my only problem is I can’t type fast enough. The thoughts and phrases not only flow, but gush out of me. And I never re-write or revise. I mean I’ve tried because I know writers are supposed to revise, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t find one word that needs changed. My first drafts are exquisitely perfect. My first draft is in fact my final draft. I almost feel cheated from the entire process others enjoy. Once I even hired a computer expert to pry off every letter on my keyboard, then put them back all re-arranged so I could experience, like other writers, the thrill of the difficulty.
AFFWM: And what happened?
LSM: Much to my dismay it made my writing efforts easier and even more successful! I just couldn’t win. In fact, my very next mystery, You’re Going to be the Death of Me, was written with my keyboard letters this way.
AFFWM: I read it in college and loved it. In fact, 127 weeks on the NY Times Best Seller List, right?
LSM: Actually 129 weeks. Also it received an Edgar. But, if you had the chance to get to know me better, which unfortunately you don’t, you’d find I loathe bragging about myself.
AFFWM: Well then allow me to do your bragging for you.
LSM: (sighing) Well, if you must, Cassie.
AFFWM: You’ve written, and had published both here and abroad, 1,112 novels, not including 26 crime series. All but 4 were purchased by Hollywood movie producers and every single film broke box office records. Your very-popular syndicated column appears in every major news outlet, including overseas. In addition, your latest work, Linda’s 7-Volume Treatise to Finally Solve the Mideast Crisis, has just hit the bookshelves. As usual, it met with nothing but critical acclaim and rave reviews.
LSM: (ahem)
AFFWM: Oh my, I hope my effusiveness isn’t making you too uncomfortable.
LSM: Somewhat, but that’s okay. However this is why I limit granting these types of interviews to four-hundred, maybe four-fifty, times a year. It can become quite tiresome when it’s always about me, me and me!
AFFWM: Again, we’re so grateful you squeezed us in, Linda. Getting back to writing – do you recall what made you want to be a writer in the first place? Something inspire you?
LSM: Most definitely. I had always heard that writing is a way to become very rich, very quickly, with almost no effort, little or no education and no need to be self-disciplined. In fact, one of the rules I live by is: Why put off today what you can put off until it doesn’t matter anymore? So, I’m proud to say I was highly qualified.
AFFWM: Obviously, because here you are!
LSM: (chuckling) Here I am! I heartily recommend it for anyone who’s a bit lazy and tires easily. I do however remember a few short stretches when writing seemed very similar to work. I wrote a lovely little metaphor back then describing my intense, albeit short-lived, frustration with being a writer. Would you like to hear it, Candace?
AFFWM: Boy, would I!
LSM: Let’s see…um, okay, I think I remember. “Some days I feel myself stringing fragile words as if they were tiny Christmas lights. I stand alone, high aloft on my rickety, splintery ladder, stretching, battling my fear of heights, reaching up to each and every branch of a gigantic Canadian Spruce where needles bite with piercing teeth.
Earlier I had worried because the mountain straddled an active underground fault, but now I race against the gathering blizzard of an unyielding deadline. The impending storm slowly, but incessantly, lumbers toward me. I flounder in its menace. Now it emits a low hum as it anticipates savoring the release of its cruelty. It glides over the mountain in an eerie silence. With movement almost imperceptible, it breathes closer and closer like an ancient tortoise eclipsing the sky. Now it emits a low hum. The monster anticipates the release of its cruelty.
With quivering, bleeding fingers, I attach the last light. Finished! Ignoring the stinging slashes, I slide and tumble down the dry, crumbling rungs and hit hard on the frozen ground. In seconds I can run for safety! In seconds I will be cheered as a courageous heroine! I plug in this last, all-important, final connection - done!
At last! The lights glow in ephemeral splendor! Far away in the village, men, women and little children cheer! Then I hear a sickening sound - sizzz-POOF! The power went out - my article is cancelled. The Seattle Sun Times has run out of room.”
It takes a toll on me even now, Carmela.
AFFWM: That is so poignant, Linda! I’m ready to cry. How did you ever survive that heartbreak?
LSM: I decided to write about murder.
AFFWM: And succeeded beautifully! Which makes me wonder, have you ever met with failure?
LSM: Oh, yes! You see, I can’t stand prejudice in any form – which made me realize I was prejudiced against prejudice! So, 3 years ago, April 14, 2004 to be exact, I established, in my humble, altruistic fashion, a non-profit, charitable foundation called PAP! (People Against Prejudice). But we were besieged by gynecological referrals and it never took-off. So, rest assured, even I have tasted the bitterness of failure.
AFFWM: I had no idea, Linda.
LSM: Also, the recent sales of my last non-fiction work have hit a minor slump, so may I use this interview to do a little promotion?
AFFWM: Please, by all means!
LSM: Thank you, Cassandra. It’s a self-help book not only for writers, but anyone who uses English. It’s titled YOU’RE, SHE’S and AIN’T: THE ART OF CONTRACTIONS.
AFFWM: Linda, I remember it! It was one of our textbooks in Advanced Literary Composition 405 my senior year at Columbia University!
LSM: (eyes cast downward, pressing her lips together) Now I am getting a tad embarrassed, Colleen.
AFFWM: I apologize, Linda. Let’s move on.
LSM: (smiling sweetly) Please.
AFFWM: So, in regard to your body size…I mean, being, um, well--
LSM: A fat woman? It’s fine to say fat, Coriander. At 283 pounds, I’m an extremely proud fat woman. (laughing and patting her lovely belly) At least it’s paid for!
AFFWM: When I was doing research to prepare for this interview, I found where recent discoveries in Quantum Physics where double-blind experiments have shown that stored fat enhances the creative process. Has that been your experience?
LSM: No question the extra weight has helped my creative output. There are times when I can write for up to 35 or even 42 minutes without taking a break. When I share this at writers’ conferences, the audience just stares at me in disbelief. I always get a kick out of that.
AFFWM: Speaking of writers’ conferences, last week I had the honor of hearing you speak at The Santa Barbara’s Semi-Annual Most-Outstanding Writers in the World Series and Possibly the Universe Series.. You were asked to divulge the secret to your success. I loved your answer – you said Just by being me. Would you care to expand on that?
LSM: I could, but as there can only be one me I wouldn’t want to dash anyone’s hopes. I’m just not like that.
AFFWM: Well, at least we can all live vicariously through your unique, exciting and magnificently fat heroines!
LSM: That’s why I do what I do, Clymenestra.
AFFWM: Truthfully, everyone I know is so tired of thin, slender female protagonists with tiny waists and colossal breasts. How did you break the mold?
LSM: I wanted heroines that were real women. Women who eat! Women who gain their nourishment from food instead of air like a potted fern!
AFFWM: Sorry to say but your personal manager, Val Kilmer, is standing over there, trying to signal me by pointing to his watch. Just a couple more questions, Linda?
LSM: (looking toward Mr. Kilmer and laughing) Now don’t you be a bad boy. Certainly. Val is so over-protective. I don’t want your readers to be disappointed.
VAL KILMER: Whatever you say, sweetheart!
LSM: Val is so overly-protective, but I don’t want your readers to be disappointed. Only a couple more, though.
AFFWM: Great. Your works consistently tackle big themes where others fear to tread. Can you share what large question you may be answering in future a work?
LSM: I shouldn’t probably announce this ahead of time, but I’ve always been curious why no one ever says chortle anymore. Also, I’m researching the impact of we baby-boomer women’s hot flashes on global warming. So far, it’s not very good news.
AFFWM: There seems to be no end to your courage, Linda. Okay, Mr. Kilmer is starting to glare at me. Any last thoughts you’d like to impart?
LSM: Yes, in fact there is. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but I need to ask all the top agents and publishers in the country to please please please stop harassing me to sign with them. I’m very happy with my current publisher, Oui Be Books, Ltd., of Gnaw Bone, Indiana.
AFFWM: At the risk of getting emotional, I have to say I love you and admire you with all my heart and soul. This interview will stand as the ultimate blessing of my entire life.
LSM: You’re most welcome, Chrysanthemum. Take care.
AFFWM: May I give you a hug goodbye?
LSM: Why of course, silly! Someone from my office will be over to do that.
AFFWM: First of all, Ms. Smith-McCormick, I want express our magazine’s profound gratitude for taking the time from your busy life to talk with us today. The entire editorial staff of AFFWM is dying with envy because I was given the honor of interviewing you.
LSM: It's my pleasure. And please just call me Linda.
AFFWM: Oh, wow! Really? Thank you, Linda!
LSM: You're welcome. And please relax - you seem so nervous. I'm just a person like you. It's not like you're interviewing a Divine Goddess, although many have called me that. (laughing)
AFFWM: I know I have! Needless to say you're in constant demand, and your millions upon millions of readers have been waiting for this exclusive interview. In addition, we've been overwhelmed by aspiring, as well as professional authors, requesting, nay, clamoring to learn the secrets of your magnificent success. So for them, I say thank you, thank you, thank you!
LSM: Well, if you think about it, how could I, in good conscience, enjoy my fame, elevated status and seemingly infinite opulence without at least offering hope to all the lesser talents? And I honestly mean that - I'm not trying to sound magnanimous here.
AFFWM: May I say that I've interviewed many celebrities, Linda, but you're the only one I've ever perceived as being sincerely humble.
LSM: Well, thank you, um...I'm sorry, what was your name again?
AFFWM: Catherine.
LSM: Yes, of course. Sorry, Catherine.
AFFWM: Believe me, no problem. It's an honor just to hear you say my name.
LSM: Well, what would you like to ask me, my dear.
AFFWM: We all know that authors have different styles of working. Some prefer to first prepare by outlining their novel, whereas others just tackle the blank page. Are you, Linda, an outliner or a blank-pager?
LMS: Actually I don't fit into either category. I guess you could say I'm more of a rambler.
AFFWM: A rambler?
LMS: Yes, a rambler. But not the car! (laughing)
AFFWM: Could you explain that for those of us unfamiliar with the rambler technique?
LMS: Be more than happy to, Caroline. It's really quite simple. I start off by just sitting at my computer, after I've turned it on of course, and I begin to write. And I just keep on writing and writing and writing and writing. After I've written a while, I go back and begin deleting and deleting and deleting and deleting. Then, and here's the real secret, I start un-doing my last actions (usually the control-Z way) until it just feels good to stop. For the next step, I go back and read over what I've written and then usually re-do my last few un-do's (control-X). I may be over-simplifying this, but what's crucial at this stage is I have to be absolutely satisfied with what I generally have not yet written, which tells me I'm on the right track. But I'm sure most writers already do this. Then I go back, of course, and remove all the then's. Then I make myself a cup of herb tea (Mango Magic is my favorite) sweetened with clover honey, followed by a sprinkle of cinnamon because I hardly ever bake (I have people who do that for me). There's just something about a hot cup of herb tea to drink (don't forget to steep it for five minutes - I have no idea why) because somehow it just seems so writerly - not that I think writerly is a real word, but so often it seems like I have to use the same tired words over and over and I just wish we could sometimes fabricate words on the spot if they sound right. For example, "She decided to decline the invitation due to her recurring parflang." Or "All evening Carmen had noticed Mitchell's manib and began to worry that he had forgotten his vow of sclamthood." See what I mean? You can almost understand the meaning of the words. It just goes to show you the importance of context. In a word, it’s grankular! (laughing) Oh, dear. I've forgotten the question.
AFFWM: Oh, I think you answered it beautifully. This rambling system obviously works very well for you. Did you always write this way?
LMS: Honestly no. When I first started out, years ago, there were no computers. All I had was the cave wall. (laughing) Seriously, I used to fret and struggle over each word. It drove me nuts. I had to borrow my neighbor’s old typewriter and the clacking alone damaged my hearing. And if I had to change the ribbon, I inevitably placed it on the spool backward and ended up with ink all over me.
AFFWM: Ribbon?
LSM: Anyway, now I’ve become much more prolific thanks to technology. In fact, the truth is, my only problem is I can’t type fast enough. The thoughts and phrases not only flow, but gush out of me. And I never re-write or revise. I mean I’ve tried because I know writers are supposed to revise, but no matter how hard I try, I can’t find one word that needs changed. My first drafts are exquisitely perfect. My first draft is in fact my final draft. I almost feel cheated from the entire process others enjoy. Once I even hired a computer expert to pry off every letter on my keyboard, then put them back all re-arranged so I could experience, like other writers, the thrill of the difficulty.
AFFWM: And what happened?
LSM: Much to my dismay it made my writing efforts easier and even more successful! I just couldn’t win. In fact, my very next mystery, You’re Going to be the Death of Me, was written with my keyboard letters this way.
AFFWM: I read it in college and loved it. In fact, 127 weeks on the NY Times Best Seller List, right?
LSM: Actually 129 weeks. Also it received an Edgar. But, if you had the chance to get to know me better, which unfortunately you don’t, you’d find I loathe bragging about myself.
AFFWM: Well then allow me to do your bragging for you.
LSM: (sighing) Well, if you must, Cassie.
AFFWM: You’ve written, and had published both here and abroad, 1,112 novels, not including 26 crime series. All but 4 were purchased by Hollywood movie producers and every single film broke box office records. Your very-popular syndicated column appears in every major news outlet, including overseas. In addition, your latest work, Linda’s 7-Volume Treatise to Finally Solve the Mideast Crisis, has just hit the bookshelves. As usual, it met with nothing but critical acclaim and rave reviews.
LSM: (ahem)
AFFWM: Oh my, I hope my effusiveness isn’t making you too uncomfortable.
LSM: Somewhat, but that’s okay. However this is why I limit granting these types of interviews to four-hundred, maybe four-fifty, times a year. It can become quite tiresome when it’s always about me, me and me!
AFFWM: Again, we’re so grateful you squeezed us in, Linda. Getting back to writing – do you recall what made you want to be a writer in the first place? Something inspire you?
LSM: Most definitely. I had always heard that writing is a way to become very rich, very quickly, with almost no effort, little or no education and no need to be self-disciplined. In fact, one of the rules I live by is: Why put off today what you can put off until it doesn’t matter anymore? So, I’m proud to say I was highly qualified.
AFFWM: Obviously, because here you are!
LSM: (chuckling) Here I am! I heartily recommend it for anyone who’s a bit lazy and tires easily. I do however remember a few short stretches when writing seemed very similar to work. I wrote a lovely little metaphor back then describing my intense, albeit short-lived, frustration with being a writer. Would you like to hear it, Candace?
AFFWM: Boy, would I!
LSM: Let’s see…um, okay, I think I remember. “Some days I feel myself stringing fragile words as if they were tiny Christmas lights. I stand alone, high aloft on my rickety, splintery ladder, stretching, battling my fear of heights, reaching up to each and every branch of a gigantic Canadian Spruce where needles bite with piercing teeth.
Earlier I had worried because the mountain straddled an active underground fault, but now I race against the gathering blizzard of an unyielding deadline. The impending storm slowly, but incessantly, lumbers toward me. I flounder in its menace. Now it emits a low hum as it anticipates savoring the release of its cruelty. It glides over the mountain in an eerie silence. With movement almost imperceptible, it breathes closer and closer like an ancient tortoise eclipsing the sky. Now it emits a low hum. The monster anticipates the release of its cruelty.
With quivering, bleeding fingers, I attach the last light. Finished! Ignoring the stinging slashes, I slide and tumble down the dry, crumbling rungs and hit hard on the frozen ground. In seconds I can run for safety! In seconds I will be cheered as a courageous heroine! I plug in this last, all-important, final connection - done!
At last! The lights glow in ephemeral splendor! Far away in the village, men, women and little children cheer! Then I hear a sickening sound - sizzz-POOF! The power went out - my article is cancelled. The Seattle Sun Times has run out of room.”
It takes a toll on me even now, Carmela.
AFFWM: That is so poignant, Linda! I’m ready to cry. How did you ever survive that heartbreak?
LSM: I decided to write about murder.
AFFWM: And succeeded beautifully! Which makes me wonder, have you ever met with failure?
LSM: Oh, yes! You see, I can’t stand prejudice in any form – which made me realize I was prejudiced against prejudice! So, 3 years ago, April 14, 2004 to be exact, I established, in my humble, altruistic fashion, a non-profit, charitable foundation called PAP! (People Against Prejudice). But we were besieged by gynecological referrals and it never took-off. So, rest assured, even I have tasted the bitterness of failure.
AFFWM: I had no idea, Linda.
LSM: Also, the recent sales of my last non-fiction work have hit a minor slump, so may I use this interview to do a little promotion?
AFFWM: Please, by all means!
LSM: Thank you, Cassandra. It’s a self-help book not only for writers, but anyone who uses English. It’s titled YOU’RE, SHE’S and AIN’T: THE ART OF CONTRACTIONS.
AFFWM: Linda, I remember it! It was one of our textbooks in Advanced Literary Composition 405 my senior year at Columbia University!
LSM: (eyes cast downward, pressing her lips together) Now I am getting a tad embarrassed, Colleen.
AFFWM: I apologize, Linda. Let’s move on.
LSM: (smiling sweetly) Please.
AFFWM: So, in regard to your body size…I mean, being, um, well--
LSM: A fat woman? It’s fine to say fat, Coriander. At 283 pounds, I’m an extremely proud fat woman. (laughing and patting her lovely belly) At least it’s paid for!
AFFWM: When I was doing research to prepare for this interview, I found where recent discoveries in Quantum Physics where double-blind experiments have shown that stored fat enhances the creative process. Has that been your experience?
LSM: No question the extra weight has helped my creative output. There are times when I can write for up to 35 or even 42 minutes without taking a break. When I share this at writers’ conferences, the audience just stares at me in disbelief. I always get a kick out of that.
AFFWM: Speaking of writers’ conferences, last week I had the honor of hearing you speak at The Santa Barbara’s Semi-Annual Most-Outstanding Writers in the World Series and Possibly the Universe Series.. You were asked to divulge the secret to your success. I loved your answer – you said Just by being me. Would you care to expand on that?
LSM: I could, but as there can only be one me I wouldn’t want to dash anyone’s hopes. I’m just not like that.
AFFWM: Well, at least we can all live vicariously through your unique, exciting and magnificently fat heroines!
LSM: That’s why I do what I do, Clymenestra.
AFFWM: Truthfully, everyone I know is so tired of thin, slender female protagonists with tiny waists and colossal breasts. How did you break the mold?
LSM: I wanted heroines that were real women. Women who eat! Women who gain their nourishment from food instead of air like a potted fern!
AFFWM: Sorry to say but your personal manager, Val Kilmer, is standing over there, trying to signal me by pointing to his watch. Just a couple more questions, Linda?
LSM: (looking toward Mr. Kilmer and laughing) Now don’t you be a bad boy. Certainly. Val is so over-protective. I don’t want your readers to be disappointed.
VAL KILMER: Whatever you say, sweetheart!
LSM: Val is so overly-protective, but I don’t want your readers to be disappointed. Only a couple more, though.
AFFWM: Great. Your works consistently tackle big themes where others fear to tread. Can you share what large question you may be answering in future a work?
LSM: I shouldn’t probably announce this ahead of time, but I’ve always been curious why no one ever says chortle anymore. Also, I’m researching the impact of we baby-boomer women’s hot flashes on global warming. So far, it’s not very good news.
AFFWM: There seems to be no end to your courage, Linda. Okay, Mr. Kilmer is starting to glare at me. Any last thoughts you’d like to impart?
LSM: Yes, in fact there is. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but I need to ask all the top agents and publishers in the country to please please please stop harassing me to sign with them. I’m very happy with my current publisher, Oui Be Books, Ltd., of Gnaw Bone, Indiana.
AFFWM: At the risk of getting emotional, I have to say I love you and admire you with all my heart and soul. This interview will stand as the ultimate blessing of my entire life.
LSM: You’re most welcome, Chrysanthemum. Take care.
AFFWM: May I give you a hug goodbye?
LSM: Why of course, silly! Someone from my office will be over to do that.
* * * *
Okay, now it's your turn! Have FUN! Or just let me hear from you!
1 comment:
Linda, after reading your blog (found you through WOW), I am convinced that I am not alone in the universe. I laughed (no, pardon, I chortled) when I read your line, "I decided to write about murder." Classic! As with writers, I love words, too. I found "chortle" was coined by Carroll in "Through the Looking Glass" (possibly a combination of chuckle and snort). This rubenesque writer looks forward to reading your blog. Many thanks, Shakesister
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